Psyche & Soul 9 - LIVING WITH MEANING AND PURPOSE

 Podcast Link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-9-Psyche--Soul---LIVING-WITH-MEANING-AND-PURPOSE-25-eip7u8

“I don’t find any meaning in my life. I wonder why I am living like this. Just dragging myself on from day to day. Sometime I wish I were dead” so said the 28-year old Sunita during a personal meeting with me at a seminar.

Sunita is not the only one who feels this way. There are many like her who find it difficult to experience a sense of meaning and purpose in life. Quite a few of these persons gradually sink into clinical depression and sometimes think of ending their life and even attempt to do so. This is very much true during these days of the Covid-19 lockdown, when things that gave meaning to one’s life may no longer be available.

 

Recent research on health and happiness show that a sense of meaning in life is one of the major contributors to emotional and physical wellbeing. Emotionally healthy persons find life a meaningful adventure. They have something that gives meaning and significance to their life, such as an ideology, a dream, a commitment. According to the pioneering personality psychologist, Gordon Allport, “one of the key challenges to maturity is to invest daily life with meaning—to find or create opportunities to make our lives matter”

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist who has researched happiness and wellbeing for over 25 years observes in her book “The How of Happiness” that having goals in and of themselves is strongly associated with health and happiness. Persons working toward a personally significant goal are far happier than those who do not have such dreams or aspirations. Having goals gives us a feeling of control over our lives and bolsters our self-esteem. It directly influences our physical and mental health. 

When we do not find purpose and meaningfulness, we become vulnerable to the onslaughts of ill-health, both physical and mental. However, when we have these, we can triumph over any tragedy. Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the horrors of the concentration camp at Auschwitz, has built up a whole philosophy around meaningfulness. What helped him to escape alive from Auschwitz, while almost all of his fellow inmates perished, was a dream he cherished: his determination to be with his wife again. While the others lost hope, his dream sustained him and enabled him to survive. A central message in his later writings is a quote from Nietzsche” “If you have a WHY to live for, you can live any HOW.” In other words, if we have meaning and purpose, something to live for, then we will face and triumph over any adversity. As the popular song “The Impossible Dream” from the musical “Man of La Mancha” says it: we can “march through hell for a heavenly cause.”  

Trauma and tragedy are part of the human condition. Those who have something to live for will find it much easier to triumph over these. They will be able not only to makes sense of these, but also create something beautiful out of them. Great artists were able to triumph over the tragedies that befell them, because their passion for their art sustained them. These artists have created some of their most appreciated masterpieces in the midst of great suffering. There is, for example, great poignancy and sensitivity in Beethoven’s String Quartets composed during the years of intense pain and anguish.

One research on bereaved parents found that one of the processes that helped parents whose children were murdered to heal from their trauma was making sense of the tragedy that had befallen them. Creating meaning out of the tragedy was for them a transformational experience. Many of these parents would go on to set up foundations in memory of their loved ones that would benefit a large number of parents who have lost a son or daughter, as well as society at large. This reaching out was one way they were able restore meaning and purpose that had been destroyed by the tragic event.

According to personality psychologist Dan McAdams, two dynamics contribute significantly to finding meaning and purpose, especially after misfortune: a) transform or redeem bad events into good outcomes, and (b) set goals for the future that benefit society.

Reaching out to others, making others’ lives significant is one of the major ways that we can bring meaningfulness into our own lives. This is something that we can do even during these days of the Covid lockdown.

We could now take a few moments to ask ourselves: What gives meaning and purpose to my life? ….. If I am experiencing meaninglessness at this time, what is it I can do to create meaning and purpose?

There is a scene in the Gospel of John at the very beginning of Jesus’ public ministry where two disciples of John the Baptist are walking behind Jesus. After a while, Jesus turns back toward them and asks them: “What do you want?” That is a question that each of us needs to answer from time to time. We could now imagine that scene, place ourselves in the place of the disciples and tell Jesus what we are looking for. We could listen to what he tells us in response and spend a few minutes in his company.

 …… Have a pleasant weekend. Be well. Be safe. Be blessed.

Jose Parappully PhD

Pictures: Courtesy Google Images

Psyche & Soul 8-NEED FULFILMENT AND EMOTIONAL MATURATION

 Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-8-Psyche--Soul---NEED-FULFILLMENT-AND-EMOTIONAL-MATURATION-23-eievct

 Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend we shall look at some basic needs that have to be satisfied for us to experience emotional maturation and wellbeing.

We Are All Needy!

All of us – infants, children, adolescents and adults - are needy! Needy for food, needy for rest, needy for attention, needy for appreciation, needy for love … and so on.

When our need is fulfilled, we feel happy and we spread happiness around. Just think of an infant that has been breastfed – and the blissful face of satisfaction and contentment that results. And how that bliss becomes infectious, bringing happiness to the mother and the others around.

Our happiness depends, among other important contributors, to need fulfilment. A fundamental principle in psychology is that “All behaviour is need-driven!” In other words, we behave in a particular way - whether that behaviour is good, bad, beautiful or ugly - because we have a need that we want to satisfy.

The various theories of development that we have explored in the previous columns – Eriksonian, Self Psychology, and Attachment -- describe the healthy ways to fulfil these needs and what happens when we are able or not able to fulfil them.

Basic Emotional Needs

Many of us would be familiar with Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs – represented by the famous triangle, at the wide base of which is survival needs for food, shelter and clothing and at the narrow top the self-actualization needs. Maslow refers to all human needs.

In this podcast we shall focus only on our emotional or psychological needs. Psychologists have been trying to short list the basic psychological needs. One such short list is the one proposed by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, who formulated what is known as “Self-Determination Theory.”

According the Ryan and Deci there are three basic emotional needs. When these are satisfied we grow up healthy, are driven by intrinsic motivation, and experience a sense of well-being. When these are not realized our emotional development is stunted, motivation diminished and our happiness compromised. 

Which are these basic emotional needs?

1) Relatedness: the need for belongingness and connectedness, to feel accepted and loved; 2) Competence: the need to have a sense of self-efficacy, to feel that we are capable achieving desired results, to feel confident that we can be successful and effective in what we set out to do; and 3) Autonomy: the freedom to give direction to our lives, to make choices or have a say on matters that affect our lives. These basic needs must be satisfied, not only in childhood, but across the life span for us to experience an ongoing sense well-being

Basic Needs and Intrinsic Motivation

One major dynamics that we need to keep in mind in understanding emotional maturation is motivation. Success in life as well as satisfaction in life is built on what is called intrinsic motivation which refers to doing an activity for the inherent satisfaction of the activity itself, that is, when we are motivated by the value of an activity or by an abiding personal interest in it. On the other hand, extrinsic motivation is at work when an activity is undertaken to attain some expected or promised external rewards contingent on compliance or task performance.

Thus, in the school setting, intrinsic motivation is involved when one studies because one is really interested in the subject. Extrinsic motivation is involved when one studies because of the benefits it may bring.

The basic needs of relatedness, competence and autonomy are all involved in fostering intrinsic motivation.

A secure, supportive relational base is essential for developing intrinsic motivation For example, when children engaged in a task are ignored by their caretakers (when there is no mirroring) they are observed to have low intrinsic motivation and their achievement level is lowered. When students experience their teachers as cold and uncaring, intrinsic motivation is reduced. Thus, high quality performance seems to require the presence of appreciative and encouraging mirroring figures.

Opportunities for choice, initiative, creativity and experimentation, so very necessary to build competence, also enhance intrinsic motivation because these provide us a greater feeling of autonomy. Thus, when, both children and adults are given freedom to organize their activities the way they would like to, they are more intrinsically motivated and show greater interest and creativity.

Research has shown that teachers who support autonomy generate in their students greater intrinsic motivation, curiosity, and desire to face and overcome challenges. On the contrary, students who are taught with a more controlling approach not only lose initiative, but learn less effectively. Parents who support autonomy, compared to controlling parents, have children who are more intrinsically motivated.

In regard to adults, autonomy basically means the capacity to make one’s own decisions without undue pressure or fear. It supposes a setting where thinking and personal responsibility are not stifled or just tolerated, but encouraged.

A Facilitative Environment

An important point to note here is that what matters more than someone helping us to meet these basic needs is whether the environment in which we find ourselves is one that facilitates or thwarts the fulfilment of these needs. An environment that encourages relatedness, competence and autonomy facilitates healthy emotional development. On the other hand, an environment characterized by lack of connectedness, excessive control, non-optimal challenges, disrupt our inherent growth potentials, curb our initiative and lead to distress and psychopathology.

So if we are to grow emotionally healthy as well achieve our potential for growth and high quality performance we need environments that foster the fulfillment of these basic emotional needs. And if we want others to experience the same, we need to create from them such an environment.

Quiet Time

We could take a few moments to consider if our needs for relatedness, autonomy and competence are being met or not. We could also consider how we are helping those around us to meet these needs.

…..

We know that our God is very interested in our emotional wellbeing, our health and happiness. God wants jus to experience relatedness, become competent. God respects our freedom to make choices by giving us free will. God wants us to make choices that lead to health and happiness. But God does not force us.

We could stay for a while with the memories and feelings this reflection is evoking is us and talk to this God about our experiences and desires and longings related to these basic emotional needs for relatedness, competence and autonomy.

Have a pleasant weekend where you experience enhanced relatedness, competence and autonomy. Be well, be safe, be blessed.

Psyche Soul - 7 COPING WITH STRESS AND ANXIETY DURING COVID – Physical, Mental and Spiritual Strategies

 Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-7-Psyche--Soul---COPING-WITH-STRESS-AND-ANXIETY-DURING-COVID--Physical--Mental-and-Spiritual-strategies-21-ei4v6b

 Hello, This is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha centre, Jeolikote with another edition of Psyche and Soul.

Last weekend we focused on self-care during Covid 19. This weekend we shall focus specifically on the stress and anxiety related to Covid, and the physical, mental and spiritual strategies that can help us cope with them.

With the growing data emerging on the lasting physical, mental and emotional consequences of Covid, it is likely that our stress and anxiety levels would be rising higher and higher. The prolonged exposure to stress arising from the crisis is likely to have insidious long‐term health effects including increased risk of physical (e.g., respiratory, cardio-vascular, neurological, reproductive) and mental (e.g., depression, anxiety and post‐traumatic stress, impaired cognitive function) disorders. These effects are likely to remain long after the pandemic ends and the lockdown measures lifted.

At the core of all these conditions lies elements of one of the most basic and primal human emotions--fear. In the case of the COVID pandemic, this fear is inextricably tied to feelings of helplessness and the loss of a fundamental sense of safety, security, financial stability, and the ability to envision a brighter future. Fear of infection in the presence of others, of contact with contaminated surfaces, and of passing too close to another human being evokes an increasingly familiar mistrust of others, avoidance, and withdrawal from everyday activities, thereby shrinking and constraining opportunities for essential human contact and social support, vitally necessary for adaptive functioning. All this leads to increasing levels of stress and anxiety.

There are specific physical, mental and spiritual strategies we can use to cope with this rising stress and anxiety.

 Physical Approach

 

Healing Through Breath

From ancient times breath has been used as a powerful tool for calming oneself. Doing some mindful (slow, focused) breathing affects our parasympathetic nervous system and calms us down and makes us feel more in control.

Abdominal, deep breathing is especially helpful. We take in the breath through our nostrils, hold it for a few seconds, and breathe out through our mouth. Make the exhale, that is, out-breath much longer than the inhale, the in-breath. Pay attention to the pause between the exhale and the inhale. Try to empty out the breath completely in the exhalation before inhaling again. Rounding our lips to create very small opening through which to exhale makes the exercise even more beneficial. After a while notice how the breathing is affecting our body and mind. Stay for a while with whatever we are experiencing.

 This form of breathing can be done often particular when we are feeling overwhelmed.

Mental Approach

Cognitive Reframing

Our beliefs about Covid and its effects play an important role on our capacity to cope effectively with stress and mitigate its maladaptive outcomes. Many models of stress suggest that stress appraisals and mindsets are central to determining whether our responses to stressors are adaptive or maladaptive. When we appraise the stress situation as challenging, that is, offering opportunities for growth, as opposed to threatening, we are able to cope more effectively. This approach is particularly effective in contexts where the source of stress cannot be avoided, as in the case of Covid. So, reframing our beliefs and attitudes, seeing opportunities in the Covid pandemic rather than dangers, will reduce our stress levels and help us cope better.

Are you experiencing the Covid situation as threatening or challenging? What opportunities can you find in the Covid lockdown?

 Spiritual Approaches

 

Healing Through Meditation and Prayer

Meditation and contemplative prayer have a calming effect on us and can heal us. The simplest and easiest, and yet a very effective form of meditation, is to simply sit quietly and focus on our breath. We don’t need to do any kind of deep or slow breathing. Simply be aware of our breath and the breath will do what it needs to do. When our mind wanders away from the focus on breath we gently return to it and keep returning. This will calm us down, relax and refresh us. Doing it even for short spells during the day, will reduce our anxieties and depressive feelings.

 

We can also turn this simple meditation into a prayer. Instead of focusing on our breath, we focus on the Divine (whichever way we understand it) dwelling within us. We simply sit in the loving awareness of this Divine presence within us. When our mind wanders away, we gently return to the loving awareness of the Divine within us, and keep doing this over and over again as distractions are inevitable. Thinking  of a simple monosyllabic word that has for us some association to the Divine (like the name we give it, or words like love, joy, peace etc.) can serve as a vehicle that takes us back into the loving awareness of the Divine. The deep relaxation this attention creates combined with the experience of the unconditionally loving divine presence, can activate healing mechanisms within us.

 

Loving Kindness Meditation

Loving Kindness Meditation is a technique used to increase feelings of warmth and caring for self and others. It consists of turning positive emotions (e.g., love, warmth, compassion) towards oneself, loved ones, other humans, and ultimately to all living beings. During Loving Kindness Meditation, we sit quietly with eyes closed, focus on our heart, think about a person who loves us very much being near us and experience that person’s love filling our heart with warmth. We now think of more and more such loving people around us sending us love and warmth. We feel our heart filling and overflowing with this love. We now send this love to people whom we know and love, and gradually to people all over the world and then to all living creatures in the universe, wishing them health, happiness and wellbeing. We remain in this experience of receiving and giving love for a while, and take a few slow breaths before we open our eyes.

Doing the Loving Kindness Meditation, even for short periods, is a useful tool during the COVID pandemic and other stressful times because of its many psychological and spiritual benefits. It relieves self-pity, sooths fear and anxiety, reduces depression, dissolves anger, and negates feelings of isolation and aloneness in coping with adversity. It enhances positive emotions such as love, warmth, empathy, joy, gratitude, hope and positive feelings toward others. Loving Kindness Meditation enables us to remain calm and peaceful not only when we engage in it, but throughout the day. The overall effect is increase in our emotional wellbeing and overall life satisfaction.

These physical, mental and spiritual strategies have been practised by Jesus of Nazareth in his healing ministry. He reached out and touched people, he breathed on them wishing them peace. He invited people to reframe their beliefs and attitudes. He loved people and invited them to abide in his love as he abides in his Father’s love. He exhorted them to reach out in love to others just as he reached out to them in love….

Whether we practise the healing tools presented in this podcast or not, we can focus on the presence of this loving and compassionate Jesus with us, reaching out to us in love, embracing us warmly and filling our heart with love and compassion. We can then visualize ourselves reaching out to others with love and compassion, thus filling the universe with healing energies, which can also positively affect those infected by Covid and bring them healing and peace…..

Have a pleasant and love-filled weekend. Bye for now.

Jose Parappully, PhD

Psyche & Soul 6: MAINTAINING PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL WELLBEING DURING COVID-19

You can listen to a podcast of this psot at:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-6-Psyche--Soul---We-need-to-reduce-stress-and-anxiety-19-ehqc7k

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This week end we shall focus on some protective measures against stress and anxiety during these Covid times.

Ravi is a top level professional, admired not only for his innovative ideas but also for his genial personality and collegial style who has been forced by Covid -19 to work from home.

Few days ago Ravi emailed a close friend. “I am not the person I was. I don’t know what is happening to me,” he wrote.  “I find myself getting irritated quite unnecessarily. I find fault with my wife and criticise her, which I had consciously avoided in the past. I even blame her family. Two days ago I shouted at my two children for silly things which made them cry. I am feeling ashamed of myself.”

Covid -19 pandemic can be a stressful time for many. Ravi would not be alone in what he is experiencing. Uncertain times normally lead to stress and even to feeling overwhelmed.  Loss of routine and structures that sustain daily rhythm, inability to connect with people, not being able to go out, having to work from home isolated from colleagues, loss of a sense of safety, worry about contacting the infection, or lack of access to hospital care for other illnesses, and need to be alert and cautious, and especially uncertainty and unpredictability about the future lead to high levels of anxiety.

During times such as this we can be overwhelmed not only by worry but also by other emotions such as fear, anger, hopelessness, sadness and grief.  There can also be feelings of discouragement and being out of control. It is easy for the stressed-out mind to conjure up worst-case scenarios.

Relationship Strain

When we are deprived of social interaction with those other than we live with, there is increased potential for relational friction with those who are close by. When we do  not have much to keep ourselves busy and occupied (or, preoccupied) as when deprived of the daily hassles of travel and work, we have ample time to notice negative features in those we live with which we may not have earlier. When this happens, our mind tends to go back over memory lane and pull up more and more unpleasant situations and incidents involving the other. This can lead to bickering and recrimination that strain the relationship, leading to further emotional alienation.

Fear of Stigma

In case we had tested positive and recovered, there can be fear of social stigma. We fear that those who know of our condition are going to avoid us.

Increased Stress Levels

All this can lead to increased stress which in turn impairs our physical and emotional wellbeing.

The psychological effects have been already mentioned. Physical responses may include headache, stomach-upsets, muscle tension, fatigue and sleeplessness. It can also lead to poor cardiovascular function, and higher levels of blood pressure. It can aggravate existing ailments.

Stress increases the activity of genes involved in causing inflammation and decreases that of genes involved in antiviral responses, which is especially relevant in this time of Covid-19.

HELPFUL STRATEGIES

There are number of things we can do to stay healthy and happy during the pandemic. 

1.      Stay Positive: Fight Negativity

We need to make a special effort to weed out negativity and focus on the positive. Because persons can be high-strung during isolation, fault finding is easy.  We need to consciously choose to focus on the positive, and look for opportunities to express appreciation. Blaming, accusations, fault-finding are especially hazardous during confinement.

Too much watching, reading or listening to news about COVID-19 can cause us to feel anxious or distressed. Seek information updates at specific times during the day-- once or twice would be enough.

In terms of fighting negativity it is helpful to look for reasons to be grateful. We cannot be grateful and negative at the same time. Gratitude has also many health benefits. The positivity that gratefulness creates boosts the immune system with resultant health benefits. Even during these difficult times there is so many things for which we can be thankful.

Writing a gratitude journal (listing the gifts and blessings) at the end of the day is a helpful exercise. We may even begin to see blessings in the pandemic itself, seeing opportunities where we were earlier only seeing obstacles.

2.      Connect with Friends and Colleagues

Studies have shown that in times of social isolation, more than connection with our family members, what helps ward off loneliness is connection with our friends and colleagues. Hence keeping in contact with our friends and acquaintances outside immediate family is important. This can be done easily today through the means of communication available to us. An easy topic for conversation with friends and colleagues is discussion on how we and others are facing this imposed isolation and how our lives and our work are affected by it.

3.      Reach out to Help

Reaching out to help those in distress has personal benefits. There are so many ways we can do this. Helping others creates positive feelings in us and boosts our immune system, decreasing our vulnerability to illness. It is nature’s way of rewarding our generosity.

4.      Create a Pleasant Environment

Creating a pleasant environment in the space to which we are confined is especially important. We can do this first of all by avoiding negative and critical conversations. Planning and executing common activities (a celebratory event is especially helpful) brings joy and togetherness.

Busy parents who otherwise have not had enough time to spend with children are given a golden opportunity. Play with them, do fun things with them. Read stories to the very small children.

A clean environment matters. Studies have found that when we are surrounded by clutter, the visual chaos affects our brain. It gets in the way of our ability to process information. Research has also shown a cluttered home environment increases the levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

The way we dress also has an impact on our feeling of wellbeing. Since we do not need to go outside or work in an office, we might tend to be too casual or even shabby in our dress. Dressing up, as though we were going to office or visiting friends, will put us in better frame of mind and energize us.

While doing things together is important, it is also helpful, even necessary, to create some personal space where we can be by ourselves do things undisturbed by others. The solitude that such personal spaces provide can also help us devote time and energy to projects we are interested in, but could not find time earlier.

A quiet space is especially important for us to engage in meditation, which is very helpful to reduce stress and anxiety and create positivity.

5.      Fight Boredom

Reduced activity caused by absence from our place of work and the hassles of travel leaves time on our hands. Not knowing how to utilize it can lead to boredom and irritation.

Having a structure helps. Create a schedule for various activities and stick to it. Go to sleep and get up (even if we choose to sleep longer) at the same time every day.

6.      Exercise and Relaxation

Physical activity improves overall health, reduces risk of diseases, and can make us feel better and function better.

Exercise energizes mind and body, reduces anxiety and increases feelings of wellbeing. Even short spells of physical activity are beneficial.

Even though outdoors are the best for exercise, it can also be done with great benefit within the narrow space to which we might be confined during the lockdown. Yoga, qigong, tai-chi, and simple aerobics, besides beating boredom, help stimulate and strengthen the immune system. Acupressure - rubbing or tapping some specific pressure points in the body helps release tension, lessen anxiety and improve blood flow.

Dancing is another way to exercise. It relaxes body and mind and creates a good mood.

Listening to music has a calming effect on the nerves. So, pull out our favourite music CDs, plug in the head-phones (not to disturb others around) and let the music flow.

Tending to plants is another stress reliever. Some of us may have potted plants inside the room. Some may be even more fortunate and have a garden to tend.

Settling comfortably with a favourite book can be both exciting and relaxing. It can also promote mental wellbeing. Studies have linked reading to improvements in depression symptoms, as well as mental flexibility and brain function.

7.      Surrender

There are many things over which we have no control. We do not know how things are going to be. Worrying about things over which we have no control is a futile and useless activity, which only increases our stress levels.

In this context surrendering in faith to a God who loves and cares for us can relieve stress and anxiety. The Prophet Isaiah reminds us of God’s protective presence during difficult times. He says:

Fear not…

When you pass through the waters I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

When you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

And the flames shall not consume you….

Because you are precious in my eyes,… and I love you.

Fear not I am with you.” (43, 3-5)

……

What do these words of Isaiah evoke in us as we struggle with our anxieties and fears? How do they move us? What are the feelings rising to surface as we stay with these words and images?.....

As we conclude, we could imagine God being with us, and place ourselves in the caring and protective arms of God and enjoy for a while the security and comfort this provides.

…..

Have a pleasant weekend, feeling safe and secure in the arms of God. Stay Safe. Stay Blessed. Bye for now.