Psyche & Soul 57: SPIRITUALITY FOR THE POST-MIDLIFE YEARS

  Psyche & Soul 57

SPIRITUALITY FOR THE POST-MIDLIFE YEARS

JOSE PARAPPULLY SDB, PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com 

Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-57-Psyche--Soul--121-e1570kc 

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for Psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand (sumedhacentre@gmail.com) with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

In this edition I present some salient features of a spirituality for the post-midlife years.

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Let me begin with a true story. Thomas grew up in a devout catholic family. He was quite fond of his religion. He liked to go to Mass and serve as an altar boy. One of his brothers became a priest and a sister a religious nun.

However, after his college studies he became a staunch Marxist, distanced himself from his religious roots and began to disparage all forms of religious practices as foolish superstition. He even participated in anti-church rallies, denouncing the clergy. Years passed that way.

Now in his sixties he has gone through a re-conversion. He is again a devout catholic, joining in family prayers, a daily church goer and an active participant in parish activities. He loves especially the Benediction, with the ritualistic ambience of incense and candles. His erstwhile Marxist friends are flabbergasted and even make fun of him. But he does not care.

RE-EXPERIENCING THE SACRED

Re-conversion experience, like that of Thomas, is quite common in the post midlife years.

Often during the journey through adolescence and young adulthood the sense of the sacred recedes and sometimes disappears from conscious awareness and expression. However, as life slows down and one moves toward the sunset years, the sense of the sacred remerges.

Post-midlifers begin to ask some ultimate questions: What is the meaning of life? What happens after death?... A longing for the earlier connectedness with the Divine surfaces along with desire to enhance and deepen it.

The sense of the sacred is manifest in the sense of gratitude for the ways their life has evolved through ups and downs, the many ways their life has been blessed, in the sense of awe and wonder they experience in the nostalgic reminiscence of a long life and in the new openness to and enjoyment of sacred rituals and ceremonies.

Further, post-midlifers become more patient and forgiving, more accepting of vulnerabilities, theirs and those of others, more acknowledging of mistakes and failures.

They begin to see life’s hurdles as spiritual lessons, opportunities for growth and understanding. They discover in the mystical/spiritual realm a new kind of help and solutions for life’s problems and challenges. 

SOME CHARACTERISTICS

Our spirituality is the way we live the existential realities of everyday life, with an attention to and reverence for the transcendental—that which is beyond us and the phenomenal world. It is not just one aspect of our life. It involves and embraces the whole of our life in the context of everyday living.

Our way of life and consequently our spirituality is conditioned by our life situation and environment in which we live. The post midlife years call for a spirituality keeping with the personal realities of those years: retirement, diminishing physical and mental capacities, emotional awareness of mortality. Below are some characteristics of a spirituality relevant for the post midlife years.

1.      Spirituality of Diminishment

As we grow older many things are taken away from us -- energy, vision, hearing, mobility, memory, mental sharpness. As we diminish in body, mind and spirit, our influence and involvement in the world around us are also lessened. We experience loss of power, status, influence that we once enjoyed.

We are called to find God in these painful losses and limitations. We are called to trust. We are called to engage in the prayer of “acceptance and letting go.”  We pray, “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

We are challenged to learn to receive. In our more active days we were proud of our capacity to give, to contribute. Now we are called to receive than give. We are called to humbly recognise our limitations and dependency on others. We acknowledge and gracefully accept our dependency needs. 

2.      Spirituality of Slowing Down

The Spirituality of Diminishment is a “Spirituality of Slowing Down” – adapting our way of being in the world in keeping with our diminishment.

We are invited to free ourselves from all that is unessential and unimportant at this time of our life;

to focus less on achievements and accomplishments and to enjoy the process of living; to assess our self-worth less in terms of what we do, what we are able to accomplish, and more in terms of who we are, the persons we have become.

We were used to measuring our worth in terms of our capacity to accomplish things. Activity filled our lives. But now we can’t do much. Our limited energy is now spent in trying to get from one day to another. Our lives slow down and in that slowing down we are more able to be present to the here-and-now, to all that is happening in and around us. In that slowing down we have the opportunity to become more of a contemplative -- to take time to reminisce, to marvel at the daily miracles around us, to stand in awe and wonder.

3.      Spirituality of Contemplation

A spirituality of slowing down leads to a contemplative spirituality. To be a contemplative is to take a “long, loving, lingering look” at everything around us. We become contemplatives when we begin to experience the extraordinary in the ordinary, a deeper meaning in the mundane, when we focus totally on the here-and-now experience.

We are invited to make our prayer more and more contemplative. Contemplative prayer is simply being present to God, living in the awareness of God’s presence, saying nothing, doing nothing.

Contemplation is closely linked to a sense of awe and wonder — the ability to be moved by the daily miracles happening around us. Albert Einstein observed that a person “who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead.” In our post-midlife years we have ample time to stand in awe and wonder, especially as we engage in nostalgic reminiscence.

4.      Spirituality of Gratitude

A contemplative spirituality in which we are able stand in awe and wonder leads to a spirituality of grateful, appreciative living. As we reminisce over our long journey of life, we find so much to be grateful for. So many wonderful things have happened to us and continue to happen to us, even amidst the fragilities and vulnerabilities of advancing age. We express gratitude for the daily miracles that are part of our lives.

However, gratitude is not just saying “thank you” for the gifts received or for the good things that happen to us. Gratitude, as psychologist Robert Emmons defines it, is “the capacity to feel the emotion of thankfulness on a regular and consistent basis, across situations and over time.” We live gratefully even in the midst of pain and inconveniences. Gratitude is an appreciative disposition that we cultivate, an attitude that enables us to see the silver lining even around dark clouds.

Gratitude is a virtue that has been found to have enormous consequences for physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. As such it has also a utilitarian effect in the post-midlife years. Research has shown that grateful people fall less often sick, and even when they fall sick, they recover faster. More importantly, grateful people live significantly longer and happier lives than ungrateful people.

5.      Spirituality of Atonement

Post midlife years is a time to let go of past hurts and resentments which have such detrimental effect on our physical and mental health. Dr. Herbert Benson, Head of the Mind/Body Medical Institute at Harvard University, refers to the great harm that lack of forgiveness does to us. .“There’s a physiology of forgiveness,” he observes. “When you do not forgive, it will chew you up.” That is, it will destroy us from within. We let go of hurts resentments, and we reach out in forgiveness to others, so that we can look forward to death without fear and in peace.

6.      Spirituality of Surrender

As we recognize our limitations and lack of control over many aspects of our lives, we learn to surrender in faith and trust to a God who is in control of our lives. We pay heed to what Jesus told the Centurion: “Fear is useless, only trust is needed.” We trust that the Lord will take care of us. We do not need to worry. We practice a spirituality of surrender. We make our own the the prayer of Jesus in the Garden of Gethesmane: “Let your will be done, not mine.” Or like Mary of Nazareth, we say in faith and trust “Feat!” “Let it be as you wish.)

Introspection

• Is there anything in this podcast that touches me specially? If yes, what is it and why?
• How am I experiencing the re-emergence of the sacred in my life?
• Which of the post-midlife spiritualties are part of my life today and which do I need to practice a little more at this period of my life?

Prayer

Jesus’s assuring last words to us before he returned to his Father are: “I am with you always!” In the Old Testament God through his prophets repeatedly tells his people, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” We could stay a while in the presence of this God who accompanies us with love and care, who understands our inmost thoughts and feelings, desires and longings and talk to God about all that is going on in our lives at this period or what we experience when we look to the years ahead.. Or, we could Isaiah 43, 1-5, where God says: “Fear not… when you pass through the water I will be with you; in the rivers you will not drown; when you walk though fire , you will not be burned; the flames shall not consume you… Because you are precious in my yes… and because I love you.” And remain gratefully in the presence of this loving and protective God with whatever this passage evokes in us.

 

Have a blessed weekend. Stay safe. Stay Happy.

Thank you for listening/reading.

Pictures: Courtesy google Images

JOSE PARAPPULLY SDB, PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com

 

Psyche & Soul 55: Midlife XII-- ATONEMENT (AT-ONE-MENT)

 Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-55-Psyche--Soul--117-e14h1df

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for Psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

In this edition, I present another midlife challenge: atonement.

Integrity that we explored and reflected upon in the previous podcast calls for atonement, understood as at-one-ment, becoming one, becoming whole.

 An essential challenge here is to work through and heal from the painful feelings and experiences we have carried with us into midlife.

 At-one-ment involves reconciliation - making peace with self, with others and may be also God, something that most of us find a real challenge.

 Reconciliation

To experience atonement, we must come to terms first of all with guilt over our own wrong doings. We need to forgive ourselves for our foolish choices and decisions, for messing up our lives, and turning a deaf ear to the deepest longings of our soul.

We need to let go our grievances against others for the real or imagined damage they have done to us. We need to forgive and reconcile with people who we feel put us on the wrong track or stood in the way of fulfilment of our dreams.

In the pursuit of our ambitions and misplaced priorities we might have been unfaithful to our promises to others, to husbands and wives or to God as religious men and women. We are challenged to right these wrongs, forgive ourselves and others, as well as ask forgiveness. We are called to reconcile, to reach out to others and end our alienation.

Reconciliation is a challenge for most of us. Some of us are able to achieve it, some of us do not. Some of us do not want to reconcile, preferring to carry our hurt, anger and resentment, seeing our stubbornness and pride as badges of strength.

Antony and Rajan were very close friends who set up a business together. The business thrived for a few years. Then profits declined, the ledger was showing big losses. After a careful internal auditing it was discovered that Rajan had been siphoning off money on various spurious accounts. Antony was very angry and upset. He angrily confronted Rajan and resigned from the company and decided not to have anything to do with Rajan or his family. This situation went on for a quite a few years. During a spiritual retreat Antony had a conversion experience. The words of the preacher on forgiveness touched him deeply. Though painful, Antony decided to forgive Rajan and reconcile with him.

Sr. Prabha had been the principal of a higher secondary school for several years. She had worked hard to bring the school to a standard of excellence and everyone was very happy with her. Ten years after she had taken over, her Provincial wanted to give her a transfer. Her considerable talents were needed elsewhere. Prabha talked the Provincial out of it.  Another three years passed. There was now a new Provincial who also decided to transfer Prabha, who tried to talk her too out of it. She shared with the new Provincial all the plans she had to take the school to still  greater heights, and that there were a number of works she had initiated that needed her attention. However, the Provincial stuck to her decision. Prabha obeyed and took up her new assignment, angry and resentful. She also stopped talking to her Provincial, and continues to avoid her even now when that Provincial has finished her term of office.

Antony realized the futility of holding on to his anger and was able to let go and make peace. Prabha was unable. She is still holding on to her hurt and resentment which keeps her fragmented, splintered within herself, alienated from others. No reconciliation, no atonement, no integrity.

Acceptance

Atonement is manifest also in the greater acceptance of the paradoxes of life, between good and evil, failure and success; in the giving up of our rigid and unbending opinions, and greater openness to contrary views; in becoming more sober and less impulsive in our judgments and our behaviour; in the willingness to acknowledge and accept more easily that we have been wrong on many matters and in many situations.  

 Atonement is manifest in the capacity to accept and tolerate ambivalence, conflict and failure. We no longer have the compulsion to be always perfect. We become more accepting of our limitations as well as appreciating our strengths and our accomplishments.

Inclusiveness

Atonement also calls for becoming more ‘catholic’- more universal, more inclusive, making space for everything and everyone in our heart, learning to cross narrow boundaries. We exclude nothing and no one, rather we embrace and include all, breaking down walls, broadening our perspectives and expanding our horizons.

 This acceptance and inclusion apply also to parts of our own selves and our personal history that we have despised or rejected.

Mourning

Atonement calls for mourning. Mourning is grief over unrealized dreams and lost opportunities, foolish decisions and roads not taken. It is coming to terms with our mistakes, failures and disappointments, letting go and moving on.

In authentic mourning, we process the past and discover who we are as a result of our experiences. We realise we cannot undo past events or the foolish choices and decisions we made, or the wrongs that others have done to us. We accept them and their consequences for us, who we have become as a result, and move on with life.

 We have to mourn those aspects of our personality we were unable to develop because of past choices or circumstances. We have to deal with the disparity between who we are and who we had dreamed of becoming— that is, mourn the person we have not, and now may never become.

 Shanti was brilliant in school. She had dreamed of becoming a doctor. But when she completed her school finals, she felt a call to become a religious. She felt she could fulfil both her dreams – be a religious nun, as well as a doctor. She became a nun; but her dream of becoming a doctor was never realized. After taking her religious vows, her superiors wanted her to be in education. She was deeply disappointed. But she obeyed, though with some initial resentment. She qualified in the educational field, obtaining a PhD, the only one in her congregation to do so. She has accomplished much as a well-recognized and appreciated educator. She still feels a tinge of sadness when she recalls her unfulfilled dream, but she is also grateful when she recalls how many lives she has touched as an educator.

Mourning is not regret. In regret we remain tied to a non-existent past, revelling in the “If only…” wishing things were different. Historical events cannot be wished away. All our wishing to the contrary will not make an iota of difference to the fact that something happened, however unfortunate it was.  But we can change our attitudes toward what happened. We can accept what has happened as part of our history, as something about which we today can do nothing and move on with our lives focusing on the present and the future. This is mourning. This is what Shanti did.

The Challenge of Atonement

As psychologist Daniel Levinson observes, failure to undertake this challenge of atonement can move us into late adulthood, bitter and resentful about perceived or real injuries, as “angry Martyrs,” our energy sapped by rage and self-righteous indignation. On the other, when we experience atonement we move toward the sunset of our lives enjoying peace and serenity.

I conclude with William Kraft’s description of the challenge of atonement: “…middle agers are challenged to reflect on life and to bring integrity into their relationships with themselves, others, and the world. Out of guilt, they come to forgive themselves and others. Out of depression, they come to a deeper fulfilment. Out of limits, they come to experience the unlimited. Out of resentment, they affirm their dignity and learn to be compassionate and forgiving. Out of anger, they become gentle and touching. This is the age of atonement, the time to become one with self and others. (Spiritual Growth in Adolescence and Adulthood, 1983, p. 21).

Reflection Exercise

·         What aspects of Atonement described here have you engaged in? Which do you still need to engage in? Which of them do you find difficult to engage in? Why?

Prayer

The story of Joseph and his brothers in the Old Testament (Genesis Chapter 42-45) is classic case of atonement – forgiveness and reconciliation and moving on.

The young Joseph is sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. Later Joseph becomes the premier of Egypt and when a famine ravages their land his brothers are forced to go to Egypt and beg for grains from Joseph who recognised them. He is able to let go of the cruel injustice they had inflicted on him and treat them with love and affection and given them the grain needed. Not only, he invited them and their father to stay with him in Egypt.

What does this story evoke in us?  We could spend a few moments with our God, talking to God about our challenges related to atonement and seek his help to do the needful, so that we can move into the second half of   life less burdened by resentments and anger, and in serenity and peace.

 Have a blessed, safe and healthy weekend.

Thank you for listening/reading.

Pictures: Courtesy google Images

 Jose Parappully SDB, PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com