The podcast of this post is available on:
This is Jose
Parappully, Salesian Priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote,
with another edition of Psyche & Soul.
Last week we learned
that the best help for health and happiness are loving relationships. Data from
the 82-year-old Harvard Longitudinal Study had demonstrated unequivocally that warm
and satisfying relationships are the most important ingredients of the good life.
However, we also know
that developing healthy relationships is a challenge for most, if not all, of
us.
What helps us develop
healthy, loving relationships that lay the foundations for health and
happiness? Psychology has some reliable answers here too.
Trust: The Master Virtue
Foundations for healthy
relationships are built on the trust and security we developed through our
childhood experiences, as well as the family environment in which we grew up.
Trust is a master
virtue that has a profound impact on our adult relationships. Contemporary
psychological theories emphasise the importance and implications of the trust
that the infant, and later the child, develops in relation to the caregivers,
especially the mother.
For example, in the
psycho-social life span developmental theory of psychoanalyst Erik Erikson,
trust developed in the first year of life is the pivot on which all of
development rests.
How does one develop trust?
The first year of
life is one in which the infant is showered with many sensuous and gratifying
experiences. It is washed, oiled, powdered, massaged, breast-fed and carried
around lovingly by the mother and other family members. It is the object of much
fussing. All this attention makes the infant feel very good (like a ‘prince’ or
‘princess’) and proud of itself. It begins to feel itself as worthy of all this
attention and love. As a result it develops trust in self, others and the world
around and feels very secure to reach out and explore the world. When such attentive
caring is missing from sensitive caregivers the infant develops mistrust in
self and others and grows up insecure.
Family environment also
contributes significantly to the development of trust. When the infant finds
itself in a cohesive, peaceful, warm and supportive environment, it feels
secure and experiences the world as safe, friendly and comforting. It is such
environment that helps the child develop a benevolent, trusting attitude toward
self, others and the world at large.
The essential virtue
that results from trust is hope, defined as “the enduring belief in the
attainability of fervent wishes.” Hope, in turn, leads to optimism and enables
one to relate to others with confidence and without fear.
The confidence in
self and a benevolent and hopeful attitude toward others resulting from trust
it has developed enables the child as it grows up into adulthood to reach out to
others in love, feeling loved and accepted. The security developed through
childhood trust enables the adult to take the risks involved in reaching out to
others.
On the other hand,
when the childhood environment is chaotic, un-nurturing, characterised by
conflict and unloving relationships and worse, violence, the child feels very
unsafe and develops mistrust which in turn impairs the capacity for healthy relationships.
Children with unhappy
childhoods, the Harvard Study tells us, are more likely than others to be
pessimistic and self-doubting. This in turn makes them unable to receive love
when it is offered and fearful in offering love to others.
They are afraid to
grow close to anyone and to let anyone come close to them, for fear that they
will be exploited, taken advantage of.
Moreover, children
who have failed to develop trust grow up with a suspicious and even malevolent
attitude toward life. They can develop a paranoid personality. They attribute
malicious motivations to even the most innocent behaviours of others. They feel
everyone is against them. This too makes relationships difficult.
Lack of trust, and
consequent attitudes of fear and suspicion, can wreak havoc in a marriage, as
well as in religious community life. Interpersonal relationships get vitiated,
resulting in stress that undermines health and happiness.
As the poet Joseph
Conrad has so perceptively observed: “Woe to the man (woman) whose heart has
not learned while young to hope, to love, to put its trust in life.”
…..
Jesus has spoken
about the importance of trust. In his response to the synagogue official who pleaded
with him, with some desperation, to come down and cure his daughter, Jesus
said: “Fear is useless; only trust is needed!” (Lk. 8, 50). When we do not
trust, all kinds of fears envelop us. Trust dissipates our fears, makes us more
receptive to love.
I am told the phrase
“Do not be afraid!” occurs 365 times in the Bible, like a daily reminder to us
all through the year to place our trust in a loving and provident God who has
our wellbeing--our health and happiness -- at heart.
We shall conclude with an experiential exercise
- Sit quietly for a while, taking a comfortable position, in the
awareness of whatever has been evoked in you by what you heard.
….
•
Focus now
on the first years of your life. Allow your body to re-experience that time of
your life. What do you experience (body sensations, thoughts, images, emotions,
sounds)? Any memories come into awareness?
•
Stay for
a while with whatever experiences come in to awareness and the feelings these
evoke in you.
•
……..
•
You could
now spend some time in prayer, sitting quietly before God with whatever this
exercise has evoked in you. Offer this early stage of your life to God, asking
for healing of any trauma (painful/distressing experiences) you may have had,
and thanking God for the love and care you experienced that taught you to trust.
……
Have a blessed and trust
filled weekend.
The podcast of this post is available on:
Please send your
comments, and questions to me at sumedha.bps@gmail.com
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