Psyche & Soul 4: Threats to Healthy Adult Relationships: Insecure Attachments in Childhood

Hello, This is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend, we shall reflect on some childhood experiences that threaten our relationships, health and happiness as adults.

Let me begin by telling you about Mr Samuel.

Mr John Samuel has been married for five years and has two children. Although he loves his wife and children, he is not very demonstrative in his affection. He spends very little time with them, preferring to read or watch television. However, he is very possessive of his wife and complaints she does not give him enough attention. He is resentful if she spends time with her friends. His wife feels John is too controlling. Naturally the home atmosphere is not very cordial.

Mr Samuel has a job in a bank where he has been working for a few years. At the bank he does not relate much with his colleagues. There have been complaints about the quality of his work too.

Mr Samuel’s family history gives some clue as to why he feels the way he does and faces such difficulties. His dad died when John was three years old. His mother become the bread winner of the family, and this took most of her time. Besides, she had also to take care of John’s one-and-half-year-old younger sister. She was hassled by many responsibilities and  could spare very little time for John.  When she could, it was difficult for her to move away from him, because he would cling to her and cry inconsolably, when she tried. Naturally, the young John would develop anxiety and insecurity. If he let her go, he was not sure if she would come back to him.

When children like John grow into adulthood, they are plagued by insecurity which makes them reluctant to be close to others; when they do, they become very clinging. They are scared of losing their friends and partners. Fear of loss makes them quite controlling in their relationships which has the opposite result of making the others distance themselves.  These individuals worry that their friends and partners don’t love them, even though they themselves are pushing them away.  

These children develop what Attachment theory labels anxious ambivalent (also known as anxious resistant) insecure attachment. This ambivalent/resistant attachment pattern is promoted by a parent who is available and helpful on some occasions but not on others – that is, by inconsistent and unpredictable parenting. These parents also use threats of abandonment as means of controlling children. Such threats scare the hell out of the children and they live in constant anxiety of the threat being carried out. Naturally, they grow up to be very anxious adults.

The second insecure attachment pattern is labeled anxious avoidant.  Adults characterized by such an attachment style avoid relationships and act as if they do not need relationships. This pattern is developed by a child who, because of a history of neglect and indifference from parents, is convinced that, when it seeks care and protection, the parent will not respond helpfully. On the contrary, it expects its efforts to be rebuffed.  Consequently the child attempts to live its life without seeking love and support from others, and tries to take care of itself and becomes emotionally detached. It denies its attachment needs in order to reduce emotional distress arising from disappointment and develops a high degree of autonomy and competence but suffers from relational inadequacy.

These are the children who grow up to be great achievers, but who are hopeless at relationships. They have always kept their feelings to themselves and so, do not learn how to share their thoughts and feelings with others. Naturally, intimacy becomes a challenge.

Insecure attachment patterns, developed in childhood, continue into adulthood. However, a nurturing environment and frequent encounters with caring and responsive adults later in life can bring about some changes and transform insecure attachment patterns into more secure ones.

……

No matter what our childhood attachment experiences have been, we know that we have a God who is always available, responsive and helpful. The prophet Hosea gives us a very soothing and comforting image of God as a loving parent: Let us listen to these words:

“When Israel was a child, I loved him… It was I who taught Ephraim to walk. I took them up in my arms… I led them with chords of compassion, with the bands of love… and I bent down to them and fed them… My compassion grows warm and tender.” (Hosea, 11)

Jesus presents himself as a mother hen holding its chicks under its wings. Gazing at Jerusalem from the Temple Mount, he expresses his sensitive concern: “O, Jerusalem, Jerusalem,…How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!” (Lk 13, 37).

……

You could now stay for a while with these wonderful biblical images of God as loving father and tender mother. Imagine God as a loving father bending down and picking you up and holding you against his cheeks, or as a loving mother feeding you, or a mother hen holding you warmly under its wings, protecting you…. What do these images evoke in you? What memories come into awareness?

……

Stay a while with these feelings and memories evoked and talk to God as a child to its loving parent.

Have a wonderful love-filled weekend. Bye for now.

Images: Courtesy google Images

the podcast of this post can be heard at:
https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-4-Psyche--Soul---Threats-to-Healthy-Adult-Relationships-14-eh638h

Psyche & Soul 4: Threats to Healthy Adult Relationships: Insecure Attachments in Childhood

Hello, This is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend, we shall reflect on some childhood experiences that threaten our relationships, health and happiness as adults.

Let me begin by telling you about Mr Samuel.

Mr John Samuel has been married for five years and has two children. Although he loves his wife and children, he is not very demonstrative in his affection. He spends very little time with them, preferring to read or watch television. However, he is very possessive of his wife and complaints she does not give him enough attention. He is resentful if she spends time with her friends. His wife feels John is too controlling. Naturally the home atmosphere is not very cordial.

Mr Samuel has a job in a bank where he has been working for a few years. At the bank he does not relate much with his colleagues. There have been complaints about the quality of his work too.

Mr Samuel’s family history gives some clue as to why he feels the way he does and faces such difficulties. His dad died when John was three years old. His mother become the bread winner of the family, and this took most of her time. Besides, she had also to take care of John’s one-and-half-year-old younger sister. She was hassled by many responsibilities and  could spare very little time for John.  When she could, it was difficult for her to move away from him, because he would cling to her and cry inconsolably, when she tried. Naturally, the young John would develop anxiety and insecurity. If he let her go, he was not sure if she would come back to him.

When children like John grow into adulthood, they are plagued by insecurity which makes them reluctant to be close to others; when they do, they become very clinging. They are scared of losing their friends and partners. Fear of loss makes them quite controlling in their relationships which has the opposite result of making the others distance themselves.  These individuals worry that their friends and partners don’t love them, even though they themselves are pushing them away.  

These children develop what Attachment theory labels anxious ambivalent (also known as anxious resistant) insecure attachment. This ambivalent/resistant attachment pattern is promoted by a parent who is available and helpful on some occasions but not on others – that is, by inconsistent and unpredictable parenting. These parents also use threats of abandonment as means of controlling children. Such threats scare the hell out of the children and they live in constant anxiety of the threat being carried out. Naturally, they grow up to be very anxious adults.

The second insecure attachment pattern is labeled anxious avoidant.  Adults characterized by such an attachment style avoid relationships and act as if they do not need relationships. This pattern is developed by a child who, because of a history of neglect and indifference from parents, is convinced that, when it seeks care and protection, the parent will not respond helpfully. On the contrary, it expects its efforts to be rebuffed.  Consequently the child attempts to live its life without seeking love and support from others, and tries to take care of itself and becomes emotionally detached. It denies its attachment needs in order to reduce emotional distress arising from disappointment and develops a high degree of autonomy and competence but suffers from relational inadequacy.

These are the children who grow up to be great achievers, but who are hopeless at relationships. They have always kept their feelings to themselves and so, do not learn how to share their thoughts and feelings with others. Naturally, intimacy becomes a challenge.

Insecure attachment patterns, developed in childhood, continue into adulthood. However, a nurturing environment and frequent encounters with caring and responsive adults later in life can bring about some changes and transform insecure attachment patterns into more secure ones.

……

No matter what our childhood attachment experiences have been, we know that we have a God who is always available, responsive and helpful. The prophet Hosea gives us a very soothing and comforting image of God as a loving parent: Let us listen to these words:

“When Israel was a child, I loved him… It was I who taught Ephraim to walk. I took them up in my arms… I led them with chords of compassion, with the bands of love… and I bent down to them and fed them… My compassion grows warm and tender.” (Hosea, 11)

Jesus presents himself as a mother hen holding its chicks under its wings. Gazing at Jerusalem from the Temple Mount, he expresses his sensitive concern: “O, Jerusalem, Jerusalem,…How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!” (Lk 13, 37).

……

You could now stay for a while with these wonderful biblical images of God as loving father and tender mother. Imagine God as a loving father bending down and picking you up and holding you against his cheeks, or as a loving mother feeding you, or a mother hen holding you warmly under its wings, protecting you…. What do these images evoke in you? What memories come into awareness?

……

Stay a while with these feelings and memories evoked and talk to God as a child to its loving parent.

Have a wonderful love-filled weekend. Bye for now.

Images: Courtesy google Images


the podcast of this post can be heard at:
https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-4-Psyche--Soul---Threats-to-Healthy-Adult-Relationships-14-eh638h

BIS Psyche & Soul 3. Childhood Foundations of Healthy Relationships 2: Secure Attachments

BIS Psyche & Soul 3. Childhood Foundations of Healthy Relationships 2: Secure Attachments

The podcast of this post is available at:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-3-Psyche--soul---Foundation-of-Healthy-Relationships-Trust-12-egs0te

This is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of “Psyche & Soul”

This weekend we shall explore another important foundation of healthy relationships– namely, Secure Attachments in childhood.

Let me begin by telling you about Mrs Miranda.

Mrs Jessie Miranda is very popular with the teachers and the girls of the college where she is Principal. Parents of students as well as others who interact with her like the way she treats them. She is also a very competent Principal, who has been able to raise the standard of the college considerably since she took over.

Her family finds her a very loving and sensitive wife and mother. Members of her parish have very good opinion of her. She is friendly and actively engaged in parish activities. Young women in the parish often seek her advice with their problems.

When asked what was the secret of her popularity she referred to the good time she had in her own family as a child. She felt her parents really cared for her. Whenever she experienced some distress or was in some need they responded with care and sensitivity.

This kind of sensitive responsiveness on the part of her parents helped the young Jessie to develop self-esteem and self-confidence which helped her to relate to others in a friendly way. She was able to internalize the sensitive responsiveness of her parents toward her and manifest the same to others. Naturally, she grew up to be a very likable and helpful person.

Jessie’s profile fits that of a child, and later the adult, who experiences what psychologists today agree is a necessary foundation for healthy relationships– namely, secure attachment in childhood. There is a whole school of psychology built on this conviction. It is known as Attachment theory and is one of the cutting edge contemporary psychological theories.

Unlike many other theories in psychology, Attachment theory is based on thousands of hours of direct observation of parent-child interactions, both in the real world and in the laboratory. It is widely regarded as probably the best research-supported theory of emotional development yet available.

Attachment theory underlines the powerful influence parents, particularly the mother, have on the emotional development of children, especially on the development of self-trust and trust of others, so necessary for healthy interpersonal relationships.

Attachment theory presents four types of attachment styles. Secure attachment, two kinds of insecure attachments – ambivalent and avoidant, and a disorganized attachment style.

In the pattern of secure attachment, as exemplified in the case of Jessie, the child is confident that its parent (or parent figure) will be available, responsive, and helpful when it seeks protection or comfort, or encounters adverse or frightening situations. With this assurance, it feels bold to explore the world. It is such “exploration from a secure base,” as it is called, that leads to development of a sense of competence and self-confidence in the child that enables the child and later the adult to relate in healthy ways to those in its surroundings.

As children we seek some adult to whom to attach ourselves. The more sensitive and responsive this adult is to our needs, the deeper and more secure our attachment and greater the likelihood that we will develop healthy and fulfilling interpersonal relationships.

……

Here we can recall the experience of the disciples of Jesus on the sea when the sudden storm arose. They are frightened and feeling very insecure. However, the comforting words of Jesus “Why are you afraid? I am here.” gives them security. Both their inner fears and the storm outside subside.

We all require the calming presence of a sensitive and caring other in our childhood to provide us a sense of safety and security, especially in times of trouble and danger. The secure attachment we develop to this person makes us confident to reach out to others in trust and build satisfying relationships necessary for health and happiness.

You may now want to stay a while quietly with whatever this reflection on foundations of healthy relationships is evoking in you:

• How does Mrs Miranda’s story affect you? Is your experience similar to or different from hers? In what way?
• As a child, did you experience your parents as available, responsive and helpful when you needed them? What memories of such experiences or their opposite come into awareness?
• Stay a while with the feelings these memories evoke in you.

…..

The Jesus who provided assurance to the disciples during the storm at sea is present to you here and now. You could place all these childhood memories and the feelings they evoke in the hands of Jesus and spend a few moments listening and talking to him.

……..

Have a pleasant weekend where you feel secure in the closeness of your dear ones and nearness Jesus who walks with you. Bye for now.

Please send your comments, and questions to me at sumedhacentre@gmail.com 

Images: Courtesy google Images

Psyche & Soul 2 - Childhood Foundation of Healthy Relationships: Trust

The podcast of this post is available on:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-2-Psyche--soul---Foundation-of-Healthy-Relationships-Trust-10-egi181

This is Jose Parappully, Salesian Priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

Last week we learned that the best help for health and happiness are loving relationships. Data from the 82-year-old Harvard Longitudinal Study had demonstrated unequivocally that warm and satisfying relationships are the most important ingredients of the good life.

However, we also know that developing healthy relationships is a challenge for most, if not all, of us.

What helps us develop healthy, loving relationships that lay the foundations for health and happiness? Psychology has some reliable answers here too.

Trust: The Master Virtue

Foundations for healthy relationships are built on the trust and security we developed through our childhood experiences, as well as the family environment in which we grew up.

Trust is a master virtue that has a profound impact on our adult relationships. Contemporary psychological theories emphasise the importance and implications of the trust that the infant, and later the child, develops in relation to the caregivers, especially the mother.

For example, in the psycho-social life span developmental theory of psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, trust developed in the first year of life is the pivot on which all of development rests.

How does one develop trust?

The first year of life is one in which the infant is showered with many sensuous and gratifying experiences. It is washed, oiled, powdered, massaged, breast-fed and carried around lovingly by the mother and other family members. It is the object of much fussing. All this attention makes the infant feel very good (like a ‘prince’ or ‘princess’) and proud of itself. It begins to feel itself as worthy of all this attention and love. As a result it develops trust in self, others and the world around and feels very secure to reach out and explore the world. When such attentive caring is missing from sensitive caregivers the infant develops mistrust in self and others and grows up insecure.

Family environment also contributes significantly to the development of trust. When the infant finds itself in a cohesive, peaceful, warm and supportive environment, it feels secure and experiences the world as safe, friendly and comforting. It is such environment that helps the child develop a benevolent, trusting attitude toward self, others and the world at large.

The essential virtue that results from trust is hope, defined as “the enduring belief in the attainability of fervent wishes.” Hope, in turn, leads to optimism and enables one to relate to others with confidence and without fear.

The confidence in self and a benevolent and hopeful attitude toward others resulting from trust it has developed enables the child as it grows up into adulthood to reach out to others in love, feeling loved and accepted. The security developed through childhood trust enables the adult to take the risks involved in reaching out to others.

On the other hand, when the childhood environment is chaotic, un-nurturing, characterised by conflict and unloving relationships and worse, violence, the child feels very unsafe and develops mistrust which in turn impairs the capacity for healthy relationships.

Children with unhappy childhoods, the Harvard Study tells us, are more likely than others to be pessimistic and self-doubting. This in turn makes them unable to receive love when it is offered and fearful in offering love to others.

They are afraid to grow close to anyone and to let anyone come close to them, for fear that they will be exploited, taken advantage of. 

Moreover, children who have failed to develop trust grow up with a suspicious and even malevolent attitude toward life. They can develop a paranoid personality. They attribute malicious motivations to even the most innocent behaviours of others. They feel everyone is against them. This too makes relationships difficult.

Lack of trust, and consequent attitudes of fear and suspicion, can wreak havoc in a marriage, as well as in religious community life. Interpersonal relationships get vitiated, resulting in stress that undermines health and happiness.

As the poet Joseph Conrad has so perceptively observed: “Woe to the man (woman) whose heart has not learned  while young to hope, to love, to put its trust in life.”

…..

Jesus has spoken about the importance of trust. In his response to the synagogue official who pleaded with him, with some desperation, to come down and cure his daughter, Jesus said: “Fear is useless; only trust is needed!” (Lk. 8, 50). When we do not trust, all kinds of fears envelop us. Trust dissipates our fears, makes us more receptive to love.

I am told the phrase “Do not be afraid!” occurs 365 times in the Bible, like a daily reminder to us all through the year to place our trust in a loving and provident God who has our wellbeing--our health and happiness -- at heart.

We shall conclude with an experiential exercise

• Sit quietly for a while, taking a comfortable position, in the awareness of whatever has been evoked in you by what you heard.

….

•          Focus now on the first years of your life. Allow your body to re-experience that time of your life. What do you experience (body sensations, thoughts, images, emotions, sounds)? Any memories come into awareness?

•          Stay for a while with whatever experiences come in to awareness and the feelings these evoke in you.

•          ……..

•          You could now spend some time in prayer, sitting quietly before God with whatever this exercise has evoked in you. Offer this early stage of your life to God, asking for healing of any trauma (painful/distressing experiences) you may have had, and thanking God for the love and care you experienced that taught you to trust.

……

Have a blessed and trust filled weekend.

The podcast of this post is available on:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-2-Psyche--soul---Foundation-of-Healthy-Relationships-Trust-10-egi181

Please send your comments, and questions to me at sumedha.bps@gmail.com

"Psyche & Soul" 1 - Health and Happiness

Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist,  and Director of Sumedha Centre for Psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand, presents every weekend starting this July a psychospiritual and educational reflection titled “Psyche & Soul.” on Bosco Information Service (www.donboscoindia.org)  In these reflections he uses insights from psychology, sacred scripture as well as the socio-political realities of our everyday life to help us enhance our emotional wellbeing and our spiritual life – our psyche and our soul.

In this first reflection he focuses on health and happiness – our psycho-physical and spiritual wellbeing.

                                                                               .....

Let me begin with a question: What is it that contributes to health and happiness the most in the later years of life? …..

The answer to this question is something that psychology has been searching for years. The answer is now clear, with conclusive data from research.

It is our satisfying and fulfilling close relationships (friendships, marital relationships) in the earlier years that lead to health and happiness in the later years of life.

Research after research has been reaching the same conclusion. Let me cite the most famous of them all.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, known as the Grant Study, is perhaps the longest running longitudinal study ever. A longitudinal study is one that follows up the same group of people over many years. The Harvard study, begun in 1938, followed up two groups of people, one 268 students from Harvard University, coming from the privileged affluent class and the other 456 young men from Boston’s poorest families. Around 70 of these men are still alive, and are still being studied.

These men were followed year after year, now for over eighty years – with questionnaires and interviews, psychological and medical tests that collected every kind of data. Painstaking analysis of all these data led to several significant conclusions regarding physical and emotional wellbeing . 

In a recent TED presentation entitled “The Good Life” Dr. Robert Waldinger, the current and fourth Director of the Study, declared that the Grant Study provided conclusive evidence to show that it is our close relationships that lead to health and happiness.

Those with the most satisfying relationships in the earlier years were the happiest and healthiest in their 70s’s and 80’s. Those who were isolated from others, who had no friends or satisfying marital relationships, were less happy and less healthy.

A second clear message delivered by the Study, Waldinger observed, is that it is the quality of close relationships, and not the number of relationships that matter. Having a few really good close relationships contributes more to health and happiness than several not so close or healthy ones

.

Waldinger’s predecessor, Dr. George Vaillant, published four books based on the findings from the Study. In them Vaillant had already confirmed what Waldinger found. It is our close relationships that really count.  I quote: “Warm, intimate relationships are the most important contributing factor in the establishment of a good life.” 

The capacity for close relationships, in turn, depended significantly on the warm relationships the men in the study had experienced with their parents, siblings and other significant people in childhood. A loving and cohesive home environment had a profound impact on life satisfaction in adult life.

Vaillant’s five-word final conclusion: “Happiness is love. Full stop.”  That’s it, “Happiness is built on love.”

…….

Jesus had said this many years ago. “Love one another,” he had said. That’s the only thing that really matters.

Happiness, according to Jesus, results from loving one another, caring for one another, forgiving one another.  The good life according to Jesus is founded on a society where justice, peace and harmony prevail, where everyone treats one another, irrespective of class, caste, religion and ethnicity as sons and daughters of the same loving God…

The situations in contemporary society, torn apart by dissension and hatred, invite us to give greater consideration to these values essential for health and happiness.

It might be helpful for us to take a few moments, in the context of this reflection, to consider the quality of our relationships, the way we treat one another.

Here are a few questions for us to stay with as we conclude:

Are the insights from the Grant Study and Jesus’ teaching on relationships challenging us in anyway?

How can we enhance love in our relationships? ….. Is there any particular relationship to which we have to bring some changes to make it more loving?

Is there anything God is telling us in regard to our relationships?

We take a few moments to listen to the Spirit within us and we respond in quiet payer, talking to the God who envelops us in love.

A n podcast based on this post  is available at anchor Psyche--soul---health-and-happiness

……

God bless. Have a healthy and happy weekend enhanced by loving relationships.

Bye, till the next weekend.

Jose Parappully SDB, PhD
Director Sumedha Centre